The Grass is Always Greener...

Sometimes I think I have my fingers in too many pies, as they say. I am torn between drawing, photography, writing and costuming. Each pulls at me to be the centre of my attention. Who wins depends on my mood or whim of the day. Sometimes I will decide 'today, I am going to take pictures of the old car up the street' or 'today I am going to write a short story'. 

Often, I work better to a deadline. If I know that a drawing or costume is due by the end of the month, then I can no longer procrastinate. Why do I procrasinate? I have often thought about this very question. If I love creating things so much, why do I sometimes put off completing it? I have asked myself that question many times, with varying excuses but usually only one answer. What if I am not good enough? 

I have been cursed with good grades, at school and university. Though I am blessed with abilities and I can usually learn new creative skills to a reasonable level, I say cursed because I have rarely had to deal with extreme failure in my work. It always works out in the end, to a satisfactory degree at least. It took me til well into my adulthood, and one failed marriage, to realise that my biggest fear is not needles, but the fear of failure. This is not a good thing. It is very hard to deal with and not a pleasant one to discover. It can be debilitating. 

We often hear the phrase The grass is always greener on the other side. I experience that regularly.  with my art, with my writing or with my costuming. Walking around artist's row, at the convention the other weekend, reminded me of this saying. It even came up in a conversation with one of the artists. I was admiring their work (and yes, there was a bit of envy... why do my dragons always end up looking cute and not fiery and menacing... argh!!!) and we got talking about technical stuff. It was a great conversation.. and I was reminded of something most important. I am not the only artist who wishes I could draw like 'x'. I am not the only person who looks at the work of others' and wishes that I could draw like that (or costume like that)! 

Each artist, or writer, is unique. We have our own abilities. We have our vision. Sometimes we struggle to share it in the way we want. Sometimes we envy others or strive to be like them. But, in the end, we are all individuals with differing lives, differing struggles and differing muses. This is why we are not all the same. This is why our work has to be different. 

It has taken me years, after my realisation, to even attempt to quell my fear of failure. I have developed many techniques to help me. I practice more; writing this blog (letting people actually read my work!), writing short stories (and more importantly, trying to finish them), randomly sketching for fun (trying to quench the impluse to overdo it or take it too seriously), taking more time to finish my costumes and enjoy the process (rather than hurriedly finishing it up... just in case it is not good enough). Even if I can see all the mistakes and the myriad of things I am not satisfied with, I can at least enjoy the process.

I still admire the work of others but am slowly learning that I am my own person, with my own creations and the only person who I really have to satisfy is myself... then I am not a failure. Stopping doing my art would be the failure.It is just and added bonus, if others like it too...

at least, that is what I keep telling myself.